Monologues by D. Richard Tucker
TINA Check, Please
You’re from Phoenix? That’s in the desert, isn’t it? I’ve never been to a desert. Though it might be nice. Just dry, I think………………….. Arid? Oh, well that’s good. I would think you’d want a lot of air in the desert. To cool you off.. And all that sand. It would be like living at the beach. Except that there’s no ocean. Which means it wouldn’t be very crowded on the weekends.
Oh. Well that’s nice. I saw a movie once about a cowboy that got lost in the desert – I think it was Glenn Ford – and he was captured by Indians, Comanches, I think. And they tied him to the ground with stakes and put a rawhide thingy around his head. Maybe it was Apaches. Then they wet the rawhide with water, and as it dried in the sun, it got tighter and tighter and split his head open. No, I think it was Apaches. You would have liked it. It would remind you of Phoenix, I think. It was over the border, in Mexico. A place called Chihuahua. But it didn’t have anything to do with those little dogs. So do they do that in Phoenix? The trick with the rawhide around your head. Like the Comanches. Or Apaches. No? Oh, well that’s probably a good thing.
ROY Last Respects
I don’t think we should talk about the deceased like that. It’s disrespectful. Even if he was an asshole. Guys, this is kind of scary. I mean, Frank is gone. Never coming back. Cut it out, Eddie. This is serious. Frank is gone. When he went to that picnic, he went to see his family, have a few beers, share a few laughs. He had no idea that those laughs would be his last ever. I’m not kidding. This is sad. (getting choked up) Frank was our friend. We grew up with him. I’ve known him ever since fourth grade. He thought he’d live forever, but he didn’t. It makes me feel sad. Cindy’s a widow now, and Frank, Jr. will have to grow up without a father. It’s just … just…so sad…(crying) Sorry, guys, I just get a little emotional sometimes. I don’t know why I get so choked up over a dead asshole.
CHELSEA Othello Undercover
Okay, I’m losing my patience. I don’t think I’m asking too much. Now could you please tell me if you have one in stock.? ……. Okay, for the last time, I need a (referring to note card) DataMax CFS-9000 Combination Digital Scanner- Photocopier – Facsimile Machine. “What am I going to use it for?” What difference does it make?…… The fact is, you little transistor-headed geek – it’s not even for me. I’m tracking it down for a friend of mine who wants to get it as a gift for his wife, and what happens to it after it leaves your store, is none of your business….. So you have one ?…. Are you sure? Does it have wireless capability?…Does it have 4800 dpi? ….. Are you sure?…. No, I don’t know what a dpi is – I just know that I need 4800 of them…… Don’t get smart with me, you little jerk…..Oh, you keep that up and I’ll reach over there and slap your pimply little face….. You think that’s funny? I’ll tell you what’s funny – have you ever been on a date? No, you haven’t, have you? Now that’s funny! You know what else is funny? Let me guess, you still live with your parents, you have a gargantuan comic book collection and you’ve memorized the screenplays to all the Star Trek movies. And what’s more, you’ve never even kissed a girl. Am I right? ….. Oh, hold on … I’m sorry….. no, please, no…. don’t cry….no, I didn’t really mean it – I’m just a little upset……No, I’m sorry…… I was just guessing….. No, I wouldn’t say that’s pathetic….. Look it’s okay. Now do you have one?…Okay, that’s great. Okay, thanks so much. You’re a real sweetheart. Thank you……thank you.
EDNA WRITER’S BLOCK
Oh my lord, would you look at the butt on that waiter….He could be one of those Chippendale dancers or something. I could just butter him up and serve him as an appetizer. It’s no wonder I love this place. The food isn’t that good, but the view is just lovely. Work away, Sugar, don’t let me stop you. We’ve got to have something big this time, Mac, so make it good. I’ve got room for only one novel this year, so you’d better get a move on. Leonard is just waiting for the first thing I bring in, so he’ll try and push this one through to the top, Sweetheart. It’s got to be strong. If you can wrap this up soon, I’ll rush it through. Can’t you count, Babydoll? One novel. Uno. Ichi. Odin. Roman numeral lowercase i. If Jay beats you to the finish line, your book goes on hold. You’ll do fine, Sweetheart. You always come through. And everybody wants to see what Dexter McQuayle is going to do next. Your public is waiting, Sugar, so don’t drag your feet on this one. Oh, there he is again. Bring your buns over here, Handsome, I’d like a martini.
(staring into the kitchen cabinet)
Huh? What the hell is going on? How can this be happening?
Who is responsible for this? Huh?
(yelling even louder)
Which one of you pin-headed mouth-breathers did this?
Do you think I’m kidding? Do you?
Did you think I wouldn’t notice?
Do I really look that stupid?
Do you know who you’re dealing with?
(more quietly, but meaner)
You know how this happens?
Do you realize that it’s your lack of respect for others that allows you to commit such an atrocious offense? Do you?
Now who did it?
Who is responsible?
(at the top of his lungs)
Who took my Sliced Yellow Cling Peaches in Heavy Syrup?
How is it that I can place a can in the cupboard, and when I come back for it – it’s gone?
How is that? Did a sixteen ounce can of Sliced Yellow Cling Peaches in Heavy Syrup just parachute of the shelf and tunnel it’s way out of the kitchen? Did some alien spaceship come down and beam up the can? Is there some kind of aeronautical engineering benefit in using Sliced Yellow Cling Peaches in Heavy Syrup in the hyper drive of a Martian star cruiser?
You know why this happens, don’t you?
Do you realize that if you had one ounce of respect for your fellow man, this kind of incident would never have taken place?
Do you realize that your inconsiderate, self-centered attitude toward people is the essence of all human conflict?
And that the perpetuation of your malevolent lack of manners is disrespectful – not only to peaches – but to all canned fruit of the “stored in heavy syrup” variety?
(calmer, but intense)
So what happened?
Were you watching in hiding when I first placed that beloved can in the cupboard?
Were you thinking then that you would covertly whisk them away?
And when I opened the cupboard, (opens cupboard)
and looked inside, (rustles through contents)
were you – Huh?
Oh. There they are.