D. Richard Tucker, Playwright

Put Him On Ice            Return To THUGS Return To Song List
from THUGS:  A Musical Mafiasco  by Kim Douglass and D. Richard Tucker
featuring Mark Banton and Christian Doyle



SONG:  PUT HIM ON ICE                  CAPPUCINO and SHARK

                                                 CAPPUCCINO

            I have heard Of your stellar reputation

            And I know about your treacherous career

            I know you’ve had your share of

           Ugly problems to take care of

           And you’re known for making troubles disappear.

           And you’ll do it completely

           And very discretely

                                                SHARK         

           Though not very cheaply

                                               CAPPUCCINO

            I’m getting to that.

You’ll knock off a stoolie Who gets too unrulY


  SHARK         

And ever so cooly

 

                                                CAPPUCCINO

Get rid of the rat.

 

I need for you to get rid of somebody

I need to push this problem out of town.  

His presence makes me worry

So I need for you to hurry.

And put this low-life six feet under ground.

 

You can sack him and crush him

Or hack him and hush him

Or smack him and flush him Or give him the gas.

You can drop him and snuff him

Or pop him and cuff him.

Or stop him and stuff him Or just shoot his ass.

 

SHARK         

I can see you are good at solving problems

But I can’t say that I like your cruel excess.

All your ways seem very brutal

And these extras can be futile

And I think I’d rather try to use finesse.

 

                                                CAPPUCCINO

You can crunch him and smash him,

Or punch him and trash him,

Or munch him and splash him, Like you need advice.

You can knock him and rock him

Or sock him and clock him

Or shock him and crock him Just put him on ice.

 

SHARK         

I suppose we could just go wash his laundry

And omit the fabric soft’ner from the wash.

Then his clothes would be all scratchy

His complexion would get patchy.

And that’s sure to do away with his panache.

 

                                                CAPPUCCINO

You can whack him and smack him

Or even attack him

Or crack him and sack him To be more precise.

You can bump him and dump him

Or just stomach pump him

Or thump him and trump him, Just put him on -

 

SHARK         

I can think of a better way to do it.                           

You Can call a decorator, I presume.

Find a guy who’s good with flooring

We can pay for some restoring

And install shag carpet in his living room.

 

CAPPUCCINO

Look, I need this taken care of  - permanently.

 

            You can chill him and stack him

Or grill him and whack him

Or slice him up pretty Like Julienne fries.

You can meet him and beat him

Or drag-down-the-street him

Or. even concrete him Just put him on –

 

SHARK         

I suggest that we just give him a spanking-

And apply a paddle to his precious buns-

 

                                                CAPPUCCINO

            Do you think that that would do it?

 

SHARK         

Maybe not, but let’s pursue it,

For a spanking is assured to be great fun.

                                                           
            CAPPUCCINO

I don’t think I’m getting through to you.

 

SHARK

Oh, for crying out loud!  You made your point, all right?

 

SHARK         

I can slap him and stroke him

Or tap him and soak him

Or zap him and smoke him If you pay the price.

I can pleat him and beat him

Or simply delete him.

Or even concrete him Just put him on ice.

                                                CAPPUCCINO

            You can sack him and crush him 

                                    

SHARK         

Or hack him and hush him  

 

                                                CAPPUCCINO

            Or use an amazing Explosive device.

     

SHARK         

I can drop him and snuff him  

    

                                                CAPPUCCINO

            Or pop him and cuff him.

       

SHARK         

Or stop him and stuff him  

         

BOTH            

Just put him on ice.

 

 

                                    SHARK                                                                      CAPPUCCINO

I  can                                                                      You can

Croak him and smash him,                         smash him,                                                                                 

Or poke him and trash him,                       trash him,            

Or kill him and slice him                            slice him            

Or grill him and dice him                           and dice him       

Or whack him and smack him                  smack him                                       

Or crack him and sack him                       sack him

Or bump him and dump him                         dump him

            Or just stomach-pump him                         pump him

 

CAPPUCCINO         

knock him and rock him   

 

                                                SHARK

            sock him and clock him

 

CAPPUCCINO

meet him and beat him

                                                SHARK

            even concrete him.

  

CAPPUCCINO and SHARK

slap him and stroke him                                 

Or zap him and choke him

or whack him and smack him

Or even attack him

Just put him on ice.

 

Copyright (c)2009 D. Richard Tucker, Playwright & JustHost.com