D. Richard Tucker, Playwright

Don't Toy With Me     Return To THUGS Return To Song List
from THUGS:  A Musical Mafiasco  by Kim Douglass and D. Richard Tucker 
featuring Marcus Wolland, Julian Schrenzel, and Thaddeus Alexander


 

 

MONTECARLO

Mr. Sartori?

 

JOEY

Yes?

 

MONTECARLO

I am Don Montecarlo.  I’ve been waiting to see you.

 

JOEY

Yes, Don.  What can I do for you?

 

SONG:  DON’T TOY WITH ME -  MONTECARLO, JOEY, ROMY

 

                                                            MONTECARLO

Now listen here Sartori

I’ll give you cause to worry

I am angered by your letter.

 

                                                            JOEY

My letter?

 

                                                            MONTECARLO

Your letter.

 

I do not take this lightly

You state your case forthrightly                            

But your manners could be better.

You are a bit demanding

And though this debt’s outstanding                                     

I can promise you the money

 

                                                            JOEY

The money?

 

                                                            MONTECARLO

The moneY.

 

I think this is audacious

And you should be more gracious

‘Cause i do not find this funny. 

                                   

                                                            JOEY

Don, I never –

 

                                                            MONTECARLO

Don’t toy with me, my friend.

Don’t waffle or pretend.

Don’t try to hide your shame
Or play a game With me.

I see right through your stunt.

You can’t put up a front.

I won’t be fooled, You’re overruled,

As you can see.

 

JOEY

So…what money?

 

MONTECARLO

The two thousand dollars, Sartori – a Montecarlo never welches on a debt.

 

JOEY

            (confused but encouraged)

Great…though I understand if you do not have sufficient funds at the moment.

 

MONTECARLO

Mr. Sartori, do you have any idea how wealthy I am?

 

JOEY

Please, Don, I meant no disrespect.

 

MONTECARLO

(producing his checkbook)

Guess how much money I have in my bank account.  Go on, guess.

 

JOEY

I have no idea.

 

MONTECARLO

Come on, guess, Sartori.  Tell me.  I bet you can’t.

 

JOEY

I don’t know, Don Montecarlo.

 

MONTECARLO

Nobody knows.  So don’t insult me.

 

JOEY

I did not -


           MONTECARLO

What grieves me most, Sartori, is your accusation that my son is a little ….  light in the lasagna.

 

JOEY

That’s not true, Don, I never said such a thing.  I hardly even know

 

ROMY’s head pops out from under table and  JOEY is alarmed.

 

JOEY (cont’d)

            (stepping in front of ROMY to hide him)

Your son!

 

                                                            MONTECARLO

My son’s a bit misguided

 I’ve never tried to hide it

Though  sometimes I tend to worry.

 

JOEY

Worry?

 

                                                                        ROMY’s head pops out between
                                                                        JOEY’s legs.

 

ROMY

                        Worry.                                                                     

JOEY looks down and ROMY’s head

pops back under the table.

 

MONTECARLO

He acts a little sissy. 
Most people think he’s prissy

Like his crazy Uncle Murray.

 

JOEY

Like I said -

 

MONTECARLO

I looked at what you’d written

And I was more than smitten.

I could tell that it was fishy.

 

JOEY looks under  the table for ROMY, and ROMY stands up from behind the table.

 

ROMY

Fishy?

 

ROMY disappears under the table again.

 

JOEY

Fishy?

 

                                                                        JOEY runs to the back of the table.

 

MONTECARLO

As soon as I had read it

I knew you would regret it

When you said my son is swishy.

 

ROMY jumps up and glares at JOEY. 

JOEY pushes ROMY down under the table and rushes over to MONTECARLO.

 

                                                            JOEY

But Don, I –

 

MONTECARLO

Don’t toy with me, dear sir.

You can’t trick me, you cur.

I see right through your lie.

You can’t deny Your plot.

This falsehood cannot stand

I now see what you’ve planned.

Don’t try to lie,

You can’t deny That you’ve been caught.

 

                                                            JOEY

But, Don, honest, I never sent you a letter.

 

MONTECARLO

Are you sure?

 

                                                            JOEY

Yes.

 

                        I know you must be shaken

But surely you’re mistaken

For I’M not guilty of this slander.

I know it would be vicious

You’d find my words malicious

to hear me speak with such ill-mannered candor.

 

MONTECARLO

So if it wasn’t you, sir.

you know what you must do, sir,

seek him out and punish this offender.

And when you bring him back here

And give this the guy the whack here

I wIL pay this debt in legal tender.

 

                                                            JOEY

So if I find this guy who wrote this letter using my name, demanding money-

 

                                                            MONTECARLO

And insulting my son –

 

                                                            JOEY

Then you will pay me the two grand?

 

MONTECARLO

Of course.

 

JOEY and MONTECARLO

Don’t toy with us, you bum.

Don’t thINK that we’re so dumb.

Don’t try to hide your shame
Or play a game With me.

This falsehood cannot stand

We see what you have planned.

We won’t be fooled, You’re overruled.

As you can see.

 

MONTECARLO

You’ve made a fatal Blunder.

 

JOEY

You’ll soon be six feet under.

 

                                    JOEY and MONTECARLO

Don’t toy with Me.

 

As MONTECARLO and JOEY hold the final note, ROMY’s head pops out from under the table.

 

ROMY

Don’t …Toy… with ….me.

 

ROMY pops back under the table.

 

 

Copyright (c)2009 D. Richard Tucker, Playwright & JustHost.com