D. Richard Tucker, Playwright

Anthony Sartori                          Return To THUGS Return To Song List


from THUGS:  A Musical Mafiasco  by Kim Douglass and D. Richard Tucker   


featuring Jennifer Hill and Anna-Marie Devine










 
MAMA
So, you have business with Don Montecarlo?
 
GINA
That’s right.  The Don owes me a stash of lettuce.
 
MAMA
Well, I’m sure he’s got the cash. He’s the richest man in town.  He’s so wealthy, 
nobody knows how much he’s got in his bank account.
 
GINA
Well, by this time tomorrow, two grand is gonna be movin’ from his account into 
the pocket of Anthony Sartori.
 
MAMA
You know Anthony Sartori?
 
GINA finishes the letter, folding it, and 
putting it in her jacket pocket.
 
GINA
I am Anthony Sartori.
 
MAMA
No, you’re not.
 
GINA
Yes, I am.
 
MAMA
Oh no, you’re not.
 
GINA
Yes, I am.
 
 SONG:  ANTHONY SARTORI           MAMA and GINA
 
MAMA           
You’re not Anthony Sartori.
I know Anthony Sartori.
And you’re telling me a story.
You’re not Anthony Sartori.
 
GINA              
Sure, I’m Anthony Sartori
I’m right here in all my glory
Although no one can speak for me
I am Anthony Sartori.
 
MAMA           
No, you’re not.
 
GINA              
Yes, I am.
 
MAMA           
No, you’re not.
 
GINA              
Yes, I am.
 
MAMA           
No, you’re not.
 
GINA              
Yes, I am.  Yes, I am!
 
MAMA           
Though I mean no disrespect, sir
I must surely interject, sir.
You are grossly incorrect, sir.
You’re not Anthony Sartori.
 
GINA              
Hey, I tell you – I am Tony.
You can bet your sweet spumoni
And throw in your rigatoni.
I am Anthony Sartori
 
MAMA           
No, you’re not.
GINA              
Yes, I am.
 
MAMA           
No, you’re not.
 
GINA              
Yes, I am.
 
MAMA           
No, you’re not.
 
GINA              
Yes, I am.  Yes, I am!
 
MAMA                                   GINA              
No, you’re not.                                 
I see right through it.                 Yes
And there’s no way                      I am   
You can prove it.                                        
You’re a liar,                                   Yes I am 
Such a liar.                                       Yes I am
Liar, Liar                                             Yes I am
“Pants on fire.”                                
                                                                                               I don’t lie,
Liar, liar                                             This is no story
Liar, liar                                             Everything is
Liar, liar                                             Honky-dory
Liar, liar                                             You won’t bust me.
Liar, liar                                             You can trust me.        
 
GINA              
I am Anthony Sartori.
 
MAMA           
No, you’re not.
 
GINA              
Yes, I am.
 
MAMA           
No, you’re not.
 
 
GINA              
Yes, I am.
 
MAMA           
No, you’re not.
 
GINA              
Yes, I am.  Yes, I am!
 
GINA’s voice rises and she brings it down 
to a more manly tone.
 
MAMA           
You are not.
You are a phony.
 
GINA              
I assure you.
I am Tony.
 
MAMA           
No, you’re not - That’s all baloney.
Because Tony Would have known me.
 
GINA
He would – I mean, I would?
 
MAMA           
When Anthony Was just a babe
His ma discovered Something strange.
She saw two moles Behind his ear
That looked a lot like-
 
GINA              
These two here.
 
GINA shows MAMA moles behind ear.
 
MAMA
Hmmmmm.
 
When Tony was A boy of eight
He made his mother Quite irate.
He tried to smoke  His dad’s cigar
It burned him and it
 
GINA  
                                    (showing MAMA her finger)  
Left a scar.
 
MAMA thinks a second, her face brightens.
 
MAMA           
If you are he You can attest.
He has a tattoo On his chest.
Twas inked in blue When just a teen a
Figure of a Ballerina.
 
GINA starts to rip open her shirt but stops.
 
GINA
All right, you got me there. 
 
MAMA
Aha!  I knew it!  You, sir, are a lying scum sucking dog and a dubious duplicitous 
donkey-dating impostor.  Of course, I don’t mean that in a bad way.
 
GINA
How come you know so much about Anthony Sartori?
 
MAMA
I was there when little Tony was born.  I was his first nanny and raised him 
until he was nine years old.
 
GINA
Well, I’ll be – you’re Nanny Risotto!
 
MAMA
Yeah.  Who are you?
 
GINA
I’m Gina, Tony’s little sister.
 
MAMA
Gina!  Just look at you!  You’ve grown up to be so big!  And so….butch.  
I never would have recognized you, but now I see it.  You’ve got your father’s eyes
….and your mother’s moustache.
 
They embrace.
  
GINA              
I must say this is uncanny.
I’ve run into my old nanny.
In this place where no one knows me
I was scared you might expose me
 
MAMA           
It’s no matter what you’ve shown me.
I was sure that you weren’t Tony.
I just couldn’t buy your story.
You’re not Anthony Sartori.
 
GINA              
No, I’m not.
 
MAMA           
Yes, I know.
 
GINA              
Not at all.
 
MAMA           
Yes, I know.
 
GINA              
No, I’m not, No, I’m not, Not at all.
 
GINA
But how did you know?
 
MAMA           
Tony has a stronger chin,
A diff-rent face, a cocky grin,
His eyes are warm, his cheeks are red,
besIdEs all that, poor Tony’s dead.
 
GINA
Yes, this is true.
 
MAMA
I heard the news last week.  How did it happen?
 
GINA
Don Cannelloni took him on a long walk off a short pier.
 
 
MAMA
That’s too bad.
 
GINA
Yes, and that’s why I’m here.
 
MAMA
Why?
GINA
Montecarlo lost a wager
Just two grand now, nothing major
If the don knows Tony’s dead now.
I’m quite sure that he’ll renege now.
So I’ve come here to collect it
And I hope he won’t suspect it.
Do you think he’ll buy my story
And pay “Anthony Sartori?”
 
MAMA
I confess, the don’s not bright, now,
Though he may put up a fight, now.
Just be careful with your story:
You are Anthony Sartori.
You must take the utmost care now
Not to make the don aware now
That you really are another,
And you’re posing as your brother.
 
GINA              
Yes, I am.
 
MAMA           
You’re not he.
 
GINA              
No, I’m not.
 
MAMA           
You’re a “she.”
 
GINA              
I’m a fake,  I’m a fraud
 
MAMA           
You’re a girl!
 
GINA
            (quiets her and looks around to see if anybody’s looking)
Shhh!
 
MAMA           
You’re  Chicago’s cutest fellow      
                         
 
GINA              
I can burp and scratch and bellow.  
 
MAMA           
Not a woman or a missy.           
     
GINA              
And I won’t be acting prissy.                                 
 
MAMA           
You are  Anthony Sartori.            
 
GINA              
From now on that is my story.                
And if anyone implore me    
                        
MAMA           
You are Anthony Sartori.                         
            
GINA              
Not a fake 
 
MAMA           
Not a phony.        
      
GINA              
You can bet your sweet spumoni.                     
 
GINA and MAMA  
I  am (YOU ARE) Anthony Sartori.                        
Seen right here in all my (YOUR) glory                     
And if anyone implore me  
I  am (YOU ARE) Anthony Sar-
 
                                      MAMA
You are Anthony Sartori
 
 
                                      GINA
I am Anthony Sartori.                      
 
                                      MAMA
You are Anthony Sartori
 
                                      GINA
I am Anthony Sartori.          
 
                                      MAMA
You are Anthony Sartori
 
                                      GINA
I am Anthony Sartori.          
 
                                      MAMA
You are Anthony Sartori
 
                                      GINA
I am Anthony -                                        
 
MAMA stops the music.
 
MAMA
Have you convinced yourself yet?
 
GINA
One more verse – just to make sure.
 
MAMA motions to the band.
 
GINA and MAMA  
I  am (YOU ARE) Anthony Sartori.                        
from now on that is my (YOUR) story                           
And if anyone implore me 
I  am (YOU ARE) Anthony Sartori.            
I  am (YOU ARE) Anthony Sartori.            
Seen right here In all my glory                                   
And if anyone implore me     
I  am (YOU ARE) Anthony Sartori.            
Anthony Sartori                     
Anthony Sartori 
Anthony Sartori

 

 

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